Turtle Statue

Today, when I got home from work, I discovered that my turtle statue from the 99 Cents Only store that once stood in front of my door was missing, and a half-used sheet of mini smiley-face stickers sat in its place. Baffled, I began scanning the courtyard to see if my turtle had migrated to a doorstep nearby. I discovered that it now sits in front of the apartment of an old asian lady.

I am now crafting a master plan to gain her trust so that she will teach me all of her secret, old, asian, smiley-face magic.

For the time being, I have decided that I will take something off of her doorstep and leave a half-used sheet of frowny-face stickers in its place.

Fireworks…?

Why do fireworks and gunshots sound so much alike? Somebody really ought to do something about that.

Canine Astrology

The other day my boyfriend was walking our dog past Jumbo’s Clown Room and one of the “dancers” (strippers) was outside on her break. She asked my boyfriend what our dog’s “sign” was.

I mean, I can’t blame her. Our dog is sexy as hell. But it is a little troublesome that she’s getting hit on more than me.

For the record, she’s a Sagittarius.

Jane Fonda

I just found out that Jane Fonda is 74. …

She’s more than three times my age and she’s hotter than me…

The only logical conclusion I can come to is that Jane Fonda is going to live forever.

Avocado

Whenever I cut open an avocado and remove the pit I feel like I’m performing an avocado abortion.

Weather Channel

There was a 100% chance of rain yesterday. It did not rain. Leave to LA to tell the weather channel to go screw itself.

Intervention

Last night I got high and watched Intervention.

I don’t think I could more accurately represent Los Angeles if I tried.

Also, it was one of the few times in which I truly thought Southern California was awesome. Until I realized that it seems like 90% of the Intervention episodes were taking place in Southern California…

Yeah…

Raw Food

I don’t totally get the raw food diet. So basically, ever since we discovered fire, the human race as a whole as been eating their food wrong?

That sounds like a step backwards.

Earthquake

There was an earthquake and I didn’t notice it because I thought the rumbling was from the helicopters.

I’m not sure which is more bothersome - that there are helicopters circling my apartment so frequently that my brain deemed it the most logical explanation, or that I am so oblivious to my surroundings, I failed to register that I was experiencing a 4.1 earthquake.

Also, my dog didn’t do a damn thing to warn me. She’s turning into one of those lazy LA bitches.

Cat Calls

If you are in the mood for receiving a good cat call, all you have to do is follow these simple steps:

1) Make sure you are female.

2) Make sure you look like a female.

3) Wear female’s clothing.

4) Take the metro red line to the North Hollywood station.

5) Exit the train.

6) Walk around North Hollywood.

WeHo

I have decided it is no longer acceptable to call West Hollywood “WeHo.”

WeHo is not a real place. WeHo is where the seven dwarves go on vacation.

American Apparel

Based on the billboards I see in Hollywood, American Apparel is a store that sells nothing but leotards and knee socks.

Escalators

I hope that everyone who gets on a LA metro escalator and ignores the “walk left, stand right” rule decides to take a trip to NY or DC, gets on the left side of an escalator thinking that it’s just peachy with everyone if they stand there, and gets trampled. I’m trying to get to work on time. I don’t want to get stuck behind your fat ass just because you think they’ve finally made an amusement park ride you can fit on.

Rain II

A Message to All Los Angelenos:

In light of the recent rainy weather, I would like to give a little advice to all of you with whom I was driving on the freeways over the past few days. I’m not sure if you know this, but in order for it to rain, as it does here maybe 3-4 times a year, there have to be clouds. Clouds are the big grey things that cover the sky and block that big bright thing we call the sun. Thus, it is much darker when it rains, which means that it is harder for other drivers to see your car and I highly suggest that you TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS. FOR GOD’S SAKE. IDIOTS.

Arsonist

Well, shoot. My new years resolution was going to be setting several cars and various structures in Hollywood on fire, but it appears someone has beaten me to it.